Opening Up: Conversations from Our Team for Men’s Mental Health Week

1. What do you find supports your mental health, and is there anything specific you do to take care of it?

For me I have found guided meditations, when I can do them regularly enough, do help to calm my mind and keep it from focusing too much on unhelpful things. I need to keep finding new ones that work though, as with time the previous ones will lose their efficacy through their familiarity. But when I do find a new one that works, it makes such a positive difference. It is also something that gets better the more you do it too, so when you are able to find a way of undertaking them regularly, the cumulative effect only makes it better.
Regularly walking and talking with friends when I’m struggling also helps me, I find that I can think and process much better when out walking with a friend, one that listens and gives honest feedback but in a sensitive and considered way.

Making sure that I prioritise my sleep hygiene and ensuring also that I eat well makes such a difference. When I go through tough mental health episodes these aspects are so easily neglected, and the longer they are the harder it is when you are in that hole to get back to healthier habits that really do help you.
Connecting with friends and not staying in all of the time, even when I have little money, I try to always arrange something even if it is to go around to them for a drink, or ask them to come to mine. I might feel like cancelling it the closer it gets, and sometimes that is the right decision, but as long as this doesn’t become too frequent I always feel better when I see them.

Pushing myself to try new things that I know will make me feel uncomfortable. Even if it doesn’t work out and I do stop it, I can still feel proud of myself for trying, and sometimes people I’ve met from doing these things have become friends, or I’ve actually loved whatever it is and go back to it from time to time. An example is I have recently joined a choir after goodness knows how many years of wanting to, I still get very nervous each week when I’m walking there, but I leave feeling glad I made the effort.

Saying no and not feeling guilty for it. It took me a long time to be able to do this, resulting in doing things that I really didn’t want to, justifying it by saying it’s nice to be asked, or that I don’t want to let people down to name just a couple. However, if I say that I’m not coming as I am having some time to myself, then that means I am busy and if they have an issue with that then that’s their problem. It takes a lot of practice to get to this point though after years of people pleasing.

I need peace and quiet, although I love the hustle and bustle of a busy workplace, chatty social settings, nights out or dinner with friends for example I then need to withdraw for a spell and give myself time to recover so to speak. I have been described as an extrovert, but I am equally introvert behind the scenes too and need these quieter isolated spells to nurture my ongoing mental health.

2. What do you think can get in the way of men accessing mental health support?

Toxic masculinity, the idea that you are weak or not enough of a man/person if you aren’t out there toughing it out with no support, when you meet struggles that threaten to overcome you. Even asking for help can carry a negative judgment on yourself, that you should be able to cope as you perceive others around you are as they must just be stronger than you.

Cultural norms on what it is to be a man, how you are brought up from childhood that you are there to be the provider on whose shoulders your family and their needs rest. Such outdated teachings are still prevalent in many cultures, and still feed the resistance in men accessing MH services or asking for help when they need it.

Embarrassment, depending up on what it is they need support with coping without support can feel like a more palatable option than seeking support.

3. What would you like other men that are struggling with their mental health to know?

That there is no need to suffer alone, that we only harm ourselves more by keeping things to ourselves, that it takes a strength much stronger than that which is taught to us as masculinity to reach out and seek the support of others. That they are enough, worthy and deserve the help that is freely given when asked for from those that want to help. I would try to reassure them that things can get better, that everyone no matter who they are always need the help of others to be who they are. Nobody can do everything on their own, and there is no need to. Strength itself is greater when shared, and we can achieve more and be there for those that need us when we aren’t so beaten down by trying to hold the weight of the world on our shoulders alone.
I would reassure them that they are loved, and that not one person who’s worth their salt would want to see them struggling.

4. The importance of having spaces where men feel they can speak about their mental health experiences — and how we can make them more accessible

Having a variety of spaces which support different identities is very important. It’s not something that’s available enough via the NHS on a scale that is required, to support communities in a manner that meets the varying demands of those that want to reach out for support. It’s essential for people to feel they
can reach out for support and they will be heard and understood.