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Sex and Asexuality

 

Sex. Sex. Sex. It's everywhere! Humans can't seem to stop discussing what it should be like, and who it's OK to do it with, and when you're supposed to have it and how best to find it, and if we're not discussing it we're using it to sell everything you can dream of.

But is sex really that important?

Nope.

That was easy right?

Relate, a national charity that supports people around relationships, did a huge survey a couple of years ago to find out what was important to couples across the country. Sex was way down that list after honesty, communication and commitment. In fact only 58% of people in that survey thought sex was important at all.

Seems odd in a culture that is pretty obsessed with it, right? Sometimes, it can feel like there’s a lot of pressure to have sex, or that sex is a milestone to be reached as soon as possible. Sometimes idiots even say stuff like “how do you know you’re LGBTQ+ if you’ve not had sex?” Because they’re idiots.

But trust us, sex really isn’t that important. There’s no rush to have sex. There really, really isn’t. You have the rest of your life to enjoy and explore it to your heart’s content, take your time!

If having sex feels like something you might want to do with your partner or partners, then talk about it! You don't have to play detective trying to work out if they're ready or what they'd like to do, you can just ask. They may want a bit of time to think about it, which is fine - they're entitled to as much space as they need! Having conversations before sex will almost always save a lot of potential difficulties later on (and even during sometimes...).

Whilst we’re on the subject – we know sex education about LGBTQ+ sex can often be lacking, so do have a look at our guide around having it safely when the time does come. There's plenty of organisations you can talk to, in confidence, about sex.

Asexual relationships

We've already mentioned how helpful talking about sex can be - and so can talking about not wanting to have sex. If you or your partner is asexual that’s one of those things that’s really helpful to talk about!

If you both identify as asexual, it might be a pretty straight forward conversation but otherwise you’ll both need to be open and honest about what you want and need out of a relationship. It might be that both of you need very different things; what makes one person feel loved and comforted might be completely different for another. That doesn’t make either of you wrong, just different.

Here’s a few tips:

  • Have that honest conversation about what physical stuff you’re both comfortable with. It might be a conversation you need to revisit every so often and each time, respect where that line ends up.
  • Don’t put pressure on your partner to be more like you or make them feel guilty when they’re not. Respect how they are right now. That should be enough for both of you!
  • There are lots of ways to be intimate together without sex or going outside of someone’s comfort zone. The more you talk, the more of them you might find.
  • If you choose to have an open or polyamorous relationship as part of what one of you needs, then make sure you are really clear about the boundaries and rules involved.
  • Try not to take things personally. If your partner’s asexual, it’s not about you, or the way you look. They’re not rejecting you in any way. If you’re asexual then quite simply there’s nothing wrong with you either! Asexuality is just part of who someone is.
 
 
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